I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize