If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
and she was petting her beer can
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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