update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Randomize
