So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
