mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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