I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
