The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
