YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
