Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
