You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
