i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
