do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
