The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
whose parrot is this?
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
