I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
you will always have a special place in my vag
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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