splinters make it hard to masturbate
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
