New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
