Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I just found a bag of teeth...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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