I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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