and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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