I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize