At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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