anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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