My girlfriend figured out who you are.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
