Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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