There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
