I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
