she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
