when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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