Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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