people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
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