yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
