Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
