you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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