I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'm too high and old for this...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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