The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
