If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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