can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
