guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
