Already got asked if we're dating
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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