; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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