Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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