So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
