I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
