Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
