I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
