She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
