It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
