FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
