you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
