Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
