I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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