Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
