I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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