It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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