maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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