At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
