I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
