someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
